Weariness Comes and It’s Okay.

Today, I am feeling weary. I had a hard morning with Charlotte as it goes sometimes when one lives with a toddler. She is potty training, teething, just two, and pre-verbal. A hard combo for a little soul. And a hard combo for a tired mom and dad. Alas, she is now with her grandparents, so Ian and I have some refuge this evening.

After that hard and emotional morning, taking the blow of her relentless anger, I took a rapid test (which I am privileged to have access to for work at the moment) – it was negative. But Ian and I had a funny moment where we sent each other a picture of our negative tests and I thought, “When will this end?”

Two negatives, and a thanks be to God.

I then geared up to head off to work, leaving the house like a tornado ran through it which I hate to do. I put on my sweater, then my headphones, then my N95, then my scarf. Wait the scarf knocked my N95. Scarf and mask off. Scarf on. Mask back on. Headband, jacket, backpack. Now I am sweating and foggy. I walked to the subway and it was empty, a sign of no kids in school and more restrictions. I’ve had the same mask on since arriving to work at 9:10 and I won’t remove it until my coworkers and I eat lunch together in our large room more than 6 feet apart. This is the only time I will see their faces today.

We check in, type, walk, work, pray, laugh, cry behind these masks again and it feels strangely like when I came back to work in October of 2020 after my maternity leave. I miss praying with my coworkers without the cover of a tight, squishy mask. I miss not telling community again and again to space out in line when we are used to sitting shoulder to shoulder eating a meal. I miss our old life.

All of this to say, today is a weary day. This happens to many of us after Christmas. Yes the days are slowly but surely staying light for longer. But it is colder and wintery-er. Fatigue comes. It’s harder and takes longer to get outside. There are less people to see as this Pandemic literally drags on. I fear Ian or I getting ill from work or transit. Toddlers are lovely and hard.

And it is okay that it’s hard and weary. It is okay to go through seasons with hard phases. It is okay to wade through grief with heavy limbs. It does not mean I stop praying or thanking God. It does not mean I don’t recognize the privilege I have in having access to masks and tests. It does not mean I love my kid any less. And it certainly does not mean that I forgot to lean in to the strength of the Lord. It just means that I do all of these things with a heavier heart. And that’s okay.

May you find peace if you are feeling weary today too.

Love, Meg

PS: You know when you’re having “one of those days” and you do something trivial but annoying…. on top of my weariness, I sliced two fingers open doing the dishes. Thank goodness Joanna is efficient in her first aid skills 🙂

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I am a community worker at The Dale Ministries in Parkdale. I must fundraise for my entire salary in order to do this work! Please consider partnering with me as a financial supporter and walking alongside me on this journey. Visit https://www.canadahelps.org/en/charities/the-dale-ministries/.