I have been feeling overwhelmed. There are a lot of things these days making my brain and my calendar full. Between preparing for a baby, walking alongside friends, feeling heavy for things going on in the lives of my Dale and Sanctuary communities, being a wife, and just growing a person inside of me and all the emotional ups and downs that comes with, I have had a harder time coping with my regular anxieties.
This is not to say that I do not have a support system. I am very fortunate to have people on “my team”, walking with me, checking in, and holding me up. But I find that feeling of breaking down, thinking “I can’t do this today”, and wanting to back away slowly and run coming to me more often than I would like. This is one way my anxiety manifests itself, and some days are harder than others to put one foot in front of the other.
As a team at The Dale and at home with Ian, the topic of intentional prayer has come up for me. I think God is trying to tell me something! I have always had to work harder at praying. But I have been trying to pray with more intention, and ask God for help. Erinn has talked about this with us, and recently preached about it at church. When we cry out to God for help, it doesn’t mean that our checklist of things will fall into our laps. It means we will learn that we don’t actually want this or that, but that we just want God to be present. In those moments where I find that I just can’t walk further, I pray for a strength that I really don’t have on my own. When the tears won’t stop falling, I pray for a peace that passes all my understanding. And it has been coming. I wouldn’t be here without it.
I know that God listens. My little mind has been noticing more and more that he is hearing me and working in surprising ways. From blessings from people when I least expect them, to a healthier relationship forming between Ian and I, to my feet being able to move one in front of the other… He is with me. I don’t expect that all my dreams and desires will come true. But I am learning to ask for God to come and how that is the most important thing we can ask for. For Him to come and show His face so I can feel a calmness through my anxiety and a strength when I can’t find it. To show me peace and to know that I am not in control, no matter how much I want to be. All I want is to know that He is there. And I am learning to give up my control of all the things happening around me, and let Him show me that He is the one with the power, deserving of all the glory.
Ian and I have been praying with and for each other each morning after we eat breakfast together. I am grateful for a husband that holds my hand and asks if he can pray for me, who reminds me that we can actually talk to God and reach out for help, and that this is a really great thing to do with intention and when we are sitting there full of tears not knowing what to do or say. We can always say, “Oh God. Please help me.” I’ve been saying that to God so often that I’m sure he saying back to me, “I’m right here! Can’t you see me?” I am grateful that He never leaves or forsakes me.
I encourage you to reach out prayerfully this week, and really seek God. He is there! I know this to be true.
Did you know that I fundraise my own salary to be able to work at The Dale? If you would like to support my ministry here, please reach out to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can support me by monthly PAR, cheque, or CanadaHelps online donations. Thanks!