often, my initial reaction in any uncomfortable situation is to run. or at least think about running. there are people in my life who can vouch for the fact that i have looked at real estate in other provinces/countries/islands far away, rather than feel my feelings. talk about needed to learn to process.
i started therapy again last week. it was hard. and it will be hard for a while. i am going to give myself permission to feel some things that i don’t want to feel. about 10 minutes before my appointment i called ian in a panic and seriously considered running for my life back to the subway. but i didn’t. i walked up to that office, sat and stripped most of my layers off because i was so warm, and (i kid you not) blew on my clammy hands and wiped them on my pants so i wouldn’t have “nervous” hands. you know the ones… clammy, and damp. yup, that was me.
there have been times in life where i have wanted to run. to move. to be anywhere else. to give up. i know you’ve probably heard about that fight or flight thing…. well the flight runs deep in me. but guess what? sometimes staying can be really beautiful.
sometimes sitting with your sweaty, clammy self and getting through that first session can bring you hope that one day you will be able to feel without wishing you weren’t. telling people how you are (how you REALLY are) can bring encouragement and life into your soul. sitting with people awkwardly and making slow conversation can be the start of a really beautiful friendship.
i am no expert at this, but i know that the grass will always look greener on the other side. i mean, those people who moved to an island far far away probably wish they had a closer grocery store. i am learning to feel without letting it consume me. i am learning to blow off my clammy hands and meet new people. i am learning that sitting in silence is okay. i am learning that next week, you might feel different and better than today. and that people won’t run from you most of the time if you tell them you’re not okay. most of the time, if they love you (which you know they do), they’ll stick right there beside you. they might even look at houses with you in a country you’ll never move to. and they’ll be there to have your back. because staying means friends, and having friends is a lovely thing.
It would mean so much to me if you were able to partner financially with The Dale to support my role within this ministry. There are a number of ways to do this, including CanadaHelps, PAR, or cheque. Please reach out to me if you would like more information on partnering with me in this way. Thanks for your support!