a letter.

 

A beginning note: I tried about 5,000 times to write this blog (that is a slight exaggeration). I wrote and erased it so many times in fear that some of this post might sound too negative to people that are waiting to hear how I’m doing. So as I was writing and trying to shape what I was going to say, I ended up writing a letter to myself. It sums up how I’m feeling and what I want myself to remember. It can be scary for me to do this. It is scary for me to do this. I’m not sure yet about how I feel about baring my soul and brain to people, but here we are. So thanks friends, for letting me be honest here. Peace to you…


Dear me,

I know you want people to think you’re fine, so you lie when they ask how your new job is going so they don’t worry (because soon you will feel fine, it’s just a lot of change right now).

I know it feels like someone has kidnapped you from Sanctuary, blindfolded you, spun you around, and released you in Parkdale into the careful hands of Erinn and Joanna. You feel disoriented and confused, like you recognize where you are and what you are doing, but you didn’t know any of the faces or names. I know you cried many times when you said you were just going to the washroom, and held back tears as you set up tables and chairs for lunch. You used to know where the tables went and who sat in each seat. I’m sorry you feel guilty that you couldn’t help mend any broken hearts or quiet harsh words from community – you don’t know yet how to connect with people here (but you will learn). Big rooms feel overwhelming to you… it’s okay to sit with one person to chop vegetables and let them talk when they want to because you don’t know what to say. Soon you will know what to say.

I need to remind you that being in community with people will take a lot from you. It takes grace, selflessness, forgiveness, an open heart, and lots of time and space. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. Everyone is new and different. You don’t know where people sit yet, and how long they’ve been around. You don’t know their sorrows and joys, or how they interact with their community. It takes time to know people, and it will take them time to know you as well. This is part of the journey.

I know it’s hard for you to sit and be. Try. When you sit next to someone in drop-in, don’t look for dirty dishes that need cleaning or things that need putting away. Give it a couple minutes, even if you sit quietly next to someone and read the paper. It’s okay to be with people quietly. You can get to know people in this way as well.

There are good times ahead. I know you see it, kid. When someone remembers your name. When people sit across from you and tell you painful things even though they don’t know you, because they sense that they can trust you (be grateful for that). When you celebrate birthdays with community, and laugh with your new team as you guys carry the heaviest of appliances up tiny stairs. When you look around the room and smile. When you leave Erinn and Joanna and feel like your heart is in good hands. Things are good. They will be good.

God has placed you here right now and some days it will feel confusing. You will wonder if He really knew what He was doing. He knew. You have to trust that this is worth it (because it is).

Keep praying for peace and a friend. The Lord hears your prayer.

Love,

myself.

 

6 thoughts on “a letter.

  1. I love this. Writing will continue to help you express yourself and feel more confident. I will continue to read and pray for you and your continued success. Love you.

    Ashley Chesnutt

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are definitely in the right place, sweet girl! God has set you on a path…..it may seem bumpy at times, but He will make your path straight….and He has promised to be right there beside you, just as I am! Soon you will be blogging about your friends by name, embracing each of them one by one. Just remember who you are and “you can do all things through Christ Jesus”. Your writing is your heart, and I love your heart, as much as I love YOU! Grandma xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Stable, Not Static | erinnoxford

  4. Megan, we haven’t met yet. But I’m looking forward to it when we do. I moved to a new church to be their pastor a year ago and even though my church and the Dale are very different, your words resonate deeply inside me. Thank you for putting them “on paper.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Meagan, We haven’t met. We hopefully will meet on Sunday. I loved your blog. It was so heartfelt, hopeful, and real. You just need to be gentle with yourself and give it time. Being someone who is also hard on myself. I could relate to “new places” as I work as an Educational Supply Teacher. I work in approx. 15 schools. You will get oriented to the environment and the community with time. Take a deep breath and have a wee chat with God. Your doing just fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Way to go Meagan for telling the truth about how you feel and believing that God knows what He is doing. I love this verse from my devotions this morning: ” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him.It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”Lamentations 3:25-26. Keep walking hand in hand with our best Friend ever!
    Love, Joanna’s mom

    Liked by 1 person

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